Celebrating her: appreciating other women without getting into a shame spiral about yourself
Being a woman can be really challenging. Our culture thrives on making us feel bad about ourselves: encouraging us to compare how much we do, how much we have, and what our bodies look like to other women. I mean just think about all of the products that exist aimed at us wanting to change some aspect of ourselves. According to Brene’ Brown in Daring Greatly, the number one trigger for shame in women is the way we look. She goes on to say that “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” The shame we experience often leads to us engaging in a variety of strategies to make ourselves feel better (such as criticizing other women), but ultimately these strategies can be damaging to ourselves and also further contribute to the “I must be better than” culture we currently live in.
Recently I was observing my own reaction. I was paroozing on Instragram when I saw a post of a woman who had her shirt lifted so you could see her ROCK SOLID abs. You know the type of abs you could use as a washboard to do your laundry on. My mind automatically started thinking about how fat and inadequate my body was rather than thinking, “wow, she looks great, I’m so happy for her” or thinking about all of the wonderful things that my body can do. Then a few days later I was at a yoga class and a similar response happened. I love yoga class because I find it be very calming and helps me to tune into my body. However, my body is not flexible at all! Anyhow, I am at yoga class and I am surrounded by women who are doing more advanced yoga poses (think head stands, bird of paradise, arm balances). And there I am doing some super modified version of whatever pose because again, I am not flexible. I notice this reaction of shame and self-judgment about my inadequate body instead of admiring the strength, grace and beauty of these women and being grateful for what my own body CAN do.
This got me thinking: why is it that another women’s strength, success, physical abilities or appearance has to mean something negative about me?? Why can’t this be an opportunity to celebrate her and where she is on her journey?? In all fairness, our brains are wired in a way to focus on the negative and make comparisons. But left unchecked, this negativity bias and comparison mind can create a lot of unnecessary suffering and contribute to an atmosphere of competition and separation from other women. So I say, enough of that! I’m tired of thinking that I am inadequate or my body doesn’t measure up in some way! I’m tired of the judgment and negativity we have towards other women! Isn’t it time that we all work towards celebrating not only ourselves but each other?!? *Insert heck yeah here*
So lets try a different response.
1) Notice: The first step in changing how we react is to notice. We have to notice that we are judging ourselves (or other women), or that we are feeling ashamed or inadequate. Noticing the reaction gives us the power to choose a different response instead of just reacting on autopilot like we normally do.
2) Allow: Once we notice the response, we allow the response to be there without judging it or trying to push away our experience. We won’t get anywhere if we notice we are judging ourselves and then judge ourselves for judging ourselves. Just notice the response by saying something to yourself like, ‘oh I notice I’m feeling ashamed.”
3) Offer kindness: Next, offer yourself some kindness for how much it hurts to feel ashamed or inadequate. You might with gentleness and tenderness put your hand on your heart and say to yourself, “this is painful, and it is ok.”
4) Common Humanity: Next, remind yourself of all of the other women who are also struggling with feelings of inadequacy. We have to remember that each person is on their own journey. You have no idea what is going on with the other person or what kind of suffering they may be experiencing.
5) Focus on function and gratitude: Make an effort to focus on what your body CAN do and having gratitude for that rather than focusing on how your body looks. You might say to yourself, “my legs have helped me to hike at some pretty amazing places and without my legs I wouldn’t have been able to see those amazing views.”
Next time feelings of inadequacy appear or we notice comparing mind in full force try the steps outlined above. If you are able to, bring an image of yourself or the other person into your mind’s eye, place a hand on your heart, and in your mind rehearse the following phrases.
For yourself:
May I be kind to myself
May I accept myself as I am
May I care for my body with joy
For others:
May you be kind to yourself
May you accept yourself as you are
May honor your body and all that it can do
So next time you see me in yoga class or I see your fab picture on Instagram, know that I am wishing you well, celebrating you on your life’s journey.
~ Jodi
For more information on developing self-compassion, I highly recommend The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer. They both have other excellent books they have written, and several free guided meditations on their webistes.
For more on dealing with shame, I LOVE Brene’ Brown. In particular I enjoy The Gifts of Imperfection, and Daring Greatly.